This happens very commonly to me. I don't know the same thing occurs to others or not. But I am very familiar to these feelings. These feelings are 'Low Spirits'. It may happen to me at any time in the day or night. Some times I woke up with very heavy heart, sometimes my happiness sunk with the sun in the evenings. Everything appears like useless and worthless. I don't wanna talk to anybody or let's say there is no one around whom I would like to talk with.
The reason of these feelings is always untraceable. I tried many times to work out the exact reason causing such what-the-hell feelings but always ends up empty handed. What could it be? How many factors are influencing my life ? Or others life? Business/Job or family/ to be family? I don't see any other reason. But ups and downs do keep on coming and going. It is obvious. Why such damping mood? It grips me without my knowledge and turns me into a alone, starving, thirsty, lost & home sick voyager in the desert storm. Home sick? But I am at home already then why home sick? What do heart wants? Where do mind wanna go? What is my soul crying for? These are irritating, always challenging & unanswered questions blocking my way in front of me. Some times I wish there should be a machine with all the meters and displays which could detect the reason of my restlessness. Sometimes I think of finding a true Guru who could lead me the way, though I am not a very spiritual person. But I also know there is no such device invented so far and even finding true Guru is not less than any rigorous woes.
But sometimes I feel these 'Low Spirits' are my true friend, never leaving me alone. But this friend is a mean friend which made me a lonely, reserved, do-not-disturb and highly inflammable person. The thought of running away from this world to some snow clad cave engulf me. But I don't even wanna wear a stamp of quitter on my back. A poem of Atal ji, "Na Danyam Na Palayanam" is my mantra too. I can fight very well, physically or mentally but still I don't want to.
These are strange feelings just like one feels at the time of Deja Vu. Last night again I was going through such spirits and these thoughts came in this shape of this poem.